pensive...

it's a strange feeling to know that in about 30 days, i'll be heading out to the big apple. so many little details still to work out. need to sell my car. need to get an audition book together. want to see friends but not really sure how to get it all in with such a limited number of weekends and weeknights. then, of course, is the actual packing up of this very fun home. books, furniture, kitchen stuff...not to mention my ridiculous wine collection. storage for a while....

i wonder if i'll find a job out there? or if an apartment will reveal itself that i can actually afford? will anyone want to hear me sing? will i find new friends? none of them will come with an 18 year history of comfort and awareness. no one will know the things i've done or accomplished. perhaps that's a good thing. i won't get the 'pastor' treatment right off the bat. i may actually see people's uncalculated honesty that is not trying to impress. and i may not need to impress them, either. that could be nice. i was told recently that "a pastor is a pastor 24 hours a day", which meant, essentially, that you could never really be friends with people in your congregation. i feel for those ministers who don't know any safe places to just be themselves. always having to watch themselves for some fear of being discovered for the human they are. i'm pretty human and have made some mistakes that could only be called "doozies" (is that how you spell that?). i can't say enough "thank you's" for the people who allow me to show my brokenness in all its broken glory and still think i can contribute something positive to their life. I hope to meet people like that in new york. and hopefully i can be the same for them.

yes, it's a strange time for me. reflective, calm, nervous, excited, sometimes want to cry, sometimes elated, anxious, expectant, confident, insecure... Lord, i have no hope apart from you. show me what i need to see and who i need to meet and what i need to sing. please keep a smile on my lips, joy in my eyes, love in my heart, and grace in my spirit for all that cross my path. amen.